MEMORIES OF THE DARK

 

Couuurrrttt!

I found myself weeping. I had been weeping since the morning. 

The person driving me kept sighing. 

The other person in the car with us could not believe me. He had only known me for a short while. 

The awesome lady who was a friend of my friend (and now my friend) and had asked him for me when the other lady lawyer had absconded after she made me tell her my story and had taken my money (insert eyeroll). I did get my money back but I had to act out of character to get it. He was a bit worried that I did not understand the entire ramifications as he had advised and I had rejected anything that could prolong the process even if he felt I would benefit. I wanted nothing more than my daughters.  

I was fear driven though but no one knew that. This was why this weeping was so strange. Everyone saw a very confident and poised lady but here I was scattering all over the place cos I was heading to court.

The marriage had been over since 2011/12 but we did not face up to it till 2014. I had tried and failed to have an amicable separation but you know how men can be. Lying to themselves, assuming that you are fooled by their lies.

Feeble attempts had been made to sort this out but he was certain that she could not leave him. His assurance of how gullible she was is what he bet on. Meanwhile, she had been gullible but she no longer was. She was naïve though and so it appeared to him like she would never do anything other than what he wanted, as she always did.

Somewhere deep inside, I felt only criminals went to court. People who had done evil things and were to be punished. I didn’t do anything! Other than trust a person who should never have been able to even touch the latchet of my shoe. And so I was heading to court and the real fear that I would be punished with a fate worse than hell seemed a real possibility. Handing my children over to this person. Ha!

A new round of tears rolled down my cheeks and the lawyer who sat behind me sighed in exasperation. He wanted so badly to give me a good talking to but he seemed to be unsure why I was crying. ‘Did I not want the divorce?’ He asked, at which I sputtered in laughter. This seemed to encourage him to ask what the matter was.

The matter is that I do not know what goes on in court and I felt deep embarrassment to be charged to court. Even though I knew I did nothing, I knew a lot of lying would go on there (the judge cautioned me when I said this, alluding to the fact that saying lawyers are lying is like saying water is wet) and I was prepared to be scandalized by the lies but I was also afraid. What if he had already met up with the judge and things swing against me? What if he managed to get custody of my children? (AH!)

Anyway, as with all things, I had also prayed and had no inkling what my BigG would do. This, because, when I pray, I usually place His sovereignty atop my desires and I had no idea what He would do. I had asked and asked and He had been silent so I was so scared.

Mayhaps if I had known what He would do, I would have been laughing and totally unbothered. I would have trusted the One who knew all my tomorrows and was able to make all things right.

Here I am, 11 odd years later. 

Blessed, Lifted, Thriving, Loved, Deeply grateful and Extremely Thankful. 

That I went to court and I had done nothing wrong.

But I remember every tiny detail.