Of Women,Marriage,Children and Family.....

I awoke with a song in my heart and a spring in my step. This happens on few occasions nowadays but I slept well (thanks to endorphins having a letloose) and had a new insight into the project I am currently working on and I was ready to face the day so, it had to be a beautiful day, no doubt in my mind. I set up shop and came across two highly definitive articles.

The first (on Linda Ikeji's blog) was about a lady in Enugu Nigeria who had been abused physically  by her husband and left for dead and who had eventually died. 

The second is the story of Rebecca Walker, daughter of feminist Alice Walker debunking the positive effects of feminism (my opinion and I'm entitled to it!).

Both stories made me stop and think of women, marriage, children and family in the Nigerian context and how hypocrisy and silence is causing a people to lead 'quiet desperate lives'.

Nigerians are for the most part, authentic people. The culture and traditions of Nigeria make marriage a community affair and for the most part, the individuality of marriage is hard to sustain in a truly Nigerian setting or marriage. There is always a relative or in-law (?out-law) who has an idea that can be of benefit and most times its okay as long as limits are set and adhered to. Fast forward to this day and age when 'me and my husband' is the new marriage standard, and before you judge me, pls hear me out.

Proponents of this modification of Nigerian marriage forget to marry white men, they forget to run away to distant lands, they forget to make the effect of the Traditional wedding of no effect so no-one can say to them, 'we were there  on the day of your wine-carrying oh'! They discount the value of a cloud of witnesses and those who know the 'kulekule' of the story of the bride and groom and can repeat it to their shame and so, they are left bereft of the benefit of the community-ness of a Nigerian marriage while being married to a Nigerian. 

Nigerians are unique when juxtaposed with most other humans on the planet earth, there is none like them,and replicating their persona is just impossible, you just have to be one to 'get' it. That's why it would not make sense to anyone else (apologies Ezekwu) that a man can marry a woman, impregnate her and beat her till she bleeds and walk away while her life ebbs away. More than this, that big shots in the community are asking that it remain a family matter is consistent with what has become acceptable to us as a people.

But this is just too wrong. Some men have taken the 'owner of the price of my head' (olowo ori mi) beyond far and example needs to be made to deter some of them. First, its cowardly to beat up on a pregnant woman... if you think you are a good boxer, find your weight range and get in the ring with a worthy opponent but to pick on a woman you claimed to appreciate enough to make wife? That's just not okay (dotcom!). To leave her bleeding, is just outright murder and I will write to the new IGP, he HAS to do something about this OR ELSE........I dont care if there's no-one else to care for the children she left behind, those big shots in their community can care for them but this guy needs to get intimate with a Nigerian jail. I am truly grateful for the lawyer who is attempting to make this story resonate and Linda Ikeji who put it up on her blog, women (or men) who are being abused need a voice and its really about time. End of rant!

The second story, is sooooooo heartwarming for so many reasons a few of which I will attempt to share. The first being my run-in with the Amazing Kola Boof (Congrats, girl on making it to 4th year, I'm rooting for you!). I came to the defence of @toluogunlesi cos I thought he was getting an unfair bashing from her (this was before he said it was a family matter oh!). I was told she was a feminist and (innocent me!) I asked what that was, mehn! only my quick declaration of love saved me on said day.....hmmn!

Horrible day, devil take water and drink....(ojo buruku, esu gbo mi mu...)! It was not funny at all. I honestly thought being female was enough but did she let me know how wrong I was and am I glad I didn't know! Girls, feminism is over-rated, trust me, its a sad, lonely sham of a life especially if you are female. The essential thing that differentiates  a woman from a man is a womb and its for the generally accepted use of carrying a baby (apologies drug peddlers!).

That's another thing, being a mother is such a rich experience that I am daily thankful that I am one (and stand before God's throne daily to grant as many as desire, the opportunity).  My girls have shown me in several ways what unconditional love is and how I am such a blessing. I recall easily, my younger daughter, testing my patience once so much so I 'lost' about 5 minutes of time (yes, melodrama, but, that's me!). I had tried to pick her an outfit and being the budding fashionista that she is, had made it very difficult and I hurriedly called my support Aunty Ladun who spoke me out of my funk but the end of the story was that my baby wore the outfit I started out  with (even though I knew it fell far below her exacting standards!) and hugged me and wiped my tears of frustration with her tiny hands and say I was in love with her before, I am now her devoted slave...but please dont tell her!

It is very refreshing to have someone who knew say so. Feminism is not for women. Its a panacea for those who cant handle the pressures of the blessedness of being female. I revel in it and my heart broke in degrees reading this article and this is mainly because this lady as strong and articulate as she appears is still crying for her Mummy. Women who embrace feminism in this totalitarian manner miss an opportunity to have the biggest influence of all....being a mother. It is such a responsibility and the rewards, I am sure far outweigh any remuneration that anyone can come up with (yes, even me!). The expression, 'the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world' is testament to this. I thank Rebbecca Walter as my heart goes out to her and I WILL be buying her book and may even send one to Kola Boof!!!

On family, my shout out goes to all people everywhere who have a difficult family situation but who are still there. Female, male, young and old. We sometimes forget the most important thing for a family is ....togetherness and so for all who coulda, shoulda and woulda but are still trying, still working within the limits of their strength and sometimes beyond, and wake up and just show up, be there for their family members, I will be drinking a glass of something for you today, cos you guys rock!!!