Missing You!

I miss you and its hard being away from you.

I am sure you wonder what I am on about but its true.

Your smile, your face that looks nothing like mine, yet is mine.

I remember looking intently into your eyes and wondering what you were thinking.

I have given up a lot of things in my lifetime but the last couple of months have been the hardest to live through.

I could not wake you up with my gruff voice.
I could not insist that you hurry.
I could not peek to see you clean up right.

I could not make you change your outfit.
I could not force you to try and eat something before leaving.
I could not kiss you bye, see you later.

I could not pick you up and buy you a snack.
I could not make you lunch which you would eat sometimes but which you tried to refuse at other times (not that I let you!).

I could not read your work with you even when you did not need me to, but you like me to.
I could not curl up with you on the sofa, that my special corner while you tried to read what I chuckled at during my Facebook breaks as I read journals or prepared for classes.

I could not stop you from being sad when PHCN took light and made you sigh cos you had been watching The Kardashians or Kendra.
I could not go and switch on the generator and laugh with you because the light came back just as you switched the television back on, and went again as soon as I switched the generator off.

I could not insist it was time to go to bed and ensure that you read a portion of the Bible and prayed and made sure you wrote something in the journal your God-mum gave you.
I could not return to make sure you had slept instead of trying to read novels under your blanket with that funny torchlight.

I could not wake up at night to check that you were not too cold from the fan in your room or the beautiful breeze that we sometimes get in that lovely house.
I could not hold you tight on those nights when you had nightmares because of an overactive imagination that I passed onto you along with my fear of the dark.

I could not move over in my bed and make room for you at dawn when you would snuggle up to me and make the world okay because you are my baby.
No, I could not do any of that but see what I did instead.

I overcame my fear of leaving you by yourself without me to help you every step of the way.
I did something for me, something I needed to do, not because I love you less, but so you can love you enough to do same for yourself.

I faced up to every deficiency in my training and surely, I am overcoming them.
I lived as a student and I think I did good.
I integrated as the program I came on wanted.

I had the opportunity to be here when she passed.
I formed friendships that I think I will need for the next phase of my life.
I showed you how to reach out and be all you can be.

And even though this time was hard for you as for me, I trust the lessons we both learned will help us move into the future with hope.
I know you have learnt strength from this time, I hear it in your voice, when you say, hi mum!

For my the sweetheart who is otherwise variously known as Foodcoricoco, My Padi, Morenike...........