ODDS LAST WEEK

Wish I could say this didnt hurt. It did, badly! 153 in a closed casket, burning, for how long they felt pain, we cannot tell, men, women, children. Burning their way into another realm. Painful, so painful, it knocked the fight out of me.

The many strangers known to me only from what I read on social media could be me, my husband, my children. Each death an affront, because I know Nigeria.

Sad does not begin to describe it, when hurt, I retreat to this very black place in my mind, I wake, pick mismatched clothes, do everything by rote, only those who know me well know all is not well & all was not well a week ago.

Today, I see and hear new tragedies and my heart is breaking all over again. For the 153 in the ill-fated flight that crashed (ill-fated only becos we are irresponsible) I say, hope you know how much you affect me, to the many more who you took on your journey across the realms unwillingly, after your carriage crashed into them, I say hope you see what is being done in aid.

When my mum passed, I remember receding beneath this cloud, dark, scary becos of feelings & lack thereof, I  queried & questioned and wondered and what I remember is that Yorubas say oku olomo kii sun & so I started to speak out loud some of the stuff I wanted her to hear. Not haven known any one of you personally, I just wanted to say to some of you what I am thinking.

The Anyenes- I actually saw a picture of the Mrs with the children & my mind almost gave up. After I read about you, I cried for the potential that died with you. I wish you had been allowed to raise those beautiful children & you had lived till old age. You valued family or why else would all of you leave the US to attend a brother's wedding? I heard he did the wedding yesterday & I am so proud that he did. That is fitting, life is for living, nothing can be served from not going ahead, only Naija hypocrisy which isnt his standard of behaviour, you can be proud!

Kunbi Adebiyi- I read her story and felt robbed, perhaps she would have crossed my path or no, I just felt very drawn to her story. She was alive, vivacious, youthful as she ought to be with a sparkle in her eye that teased, this from pictures. Pain is not being able to forget what she looks like.

The three orphans- I read their story and do not know how to weep, grateful as I am that they were spared, I am very pained by their instant orphan status and how their lives will take a different tangent from here on out. Looking at their faces, I am morose for the rest of the day, hugging the girls with tears in my eyes.

There were too many people, too many stories, Too much pain, so much to wade through.

This was not supposed to be a dirge, but it is, I cant find the strength for mirth,its too soon.

While I would like you to read & go away thinking I shared my heart, I am fearful lest you see my fear also. Fear at how senseless this loss is and how preventable it should have been, fear at seeing nothing that allays my fears. 

Fear that I am too afraid to fly to Abuja in less than a week becos Nigeria changes the odds of EVERYTHING! Fear that some people somewhere know what to do, how to do it but CHOOSE not to. Fear always makes me angry! I am no scaredycat! I just want to have my odds back is all.

Nothing more to say.