Doctor Professor

Dear Professor Sambo,

(Pls do not mistake ‘dear’ for a term of endearment in this case, plus you and I know Sambo is not your real name but only you and I know what letter needs to change for it to be your name!) I have been meaning to write and let you know how much you upset me but I had more pressing and pleasant tasks to do so I left this till now. This letter will not make you glad and I aim to refrain from being insulting but it will be hard, you know why. I always assumed that those who studied Human Medicine had a higher measure of the milk of human kindness in them but I constantly meet doctors who make nonsense of that belief. I seem to have met more Veterinarians who have more milk of human kindness than human medics, which I consider a real shame.  Animals matter but I didn’t think they mattered so much more than humans. As a vet, when I meet new clients, the usual practice is to look beyond the immediate presenting complaint and attempt to calm the client as much as the patient and it usually works, you need to try and learn from that. I could teach you but it will cost you and No! I didn’t mean money.

When my brother was rushed to your……….for want of any other word, hospital, I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach but could not immediately decipher the reason. Even when I rushed there and met your fresh-faced doctor who probably left school 3days before and who was so condescending, that even Ladun got mad and yes! I mean my angelic Aunty mi Ladun who is ALWAYS calm; I still chose to give you the benefit of the doubt. I saw the looks the nurses gave me as if I was crazy in the head to allow him to stay there, they probably knew how badly it would end and judging from the Rottweiler-ish manner in which one of them reacted when I came to get him, I imagine, this is a usual occurrence at your……ehm,erm,…….hospital (apologies to Rottweillers worldwide, I KNOW you are better behaved!).

I do not judge you for setting up a hospital to make money, as my friend El, would say, God bless your hustle! But when you forget that you swore to an oath and begin to incorporate sharp practices, that becomes  worrisome. I used to run a Private Veterinary Clinic, I know that a lot of things go on that should strictly not and it was the reason I closed shop when I could not find the quality of staff that felt what I wanted to portray about Veterinary Services; whatsoever is worth doing, is worth doing well, that is my belief! Now, as you rightly pointed out when we spoke (BTW, what kind of Professor is so cheap, he can’t even pay to insult a patient’s relative? I wish to put it down to you having so much credit; you just could not waste it on the likes of me, sebi?) every hospital (that descriptive term again!) has its own billing system but when a patient demands clarification as to a bill, methinks simple courtesy demands that you should just clarify and not begin to ask really insulting questions and so I chose to answer your question, on the off chance that you do mundane things like read non-medical stuff like blogs and that you would feel sufficiently remorseful to seek out mine and wonder if you mattered enough that I actually wasted precious time writing about you…..dont mind me, I believe in lost causes!

You wanted to know if that is how I talk to my husband at home and I wanted to respond with some clarification. First off, my husband isn’t a doctor, he’s a lawyer (and I daresay a great one! So watch out! I may still decide to sue!) And in the event that he had to treat a patient (were he a doctor), I would hope he would be able to speak intelligently and justify the amount of money he wanted to take from the patient and not just write a bill for medication and request the bill be paid and then hand a prescription to the patient to go and buy drugs to be treated with or since when did cotton wool and methylated spirit become medication? To be fair, you did infuse him with fluid and you charged a ‘fair’ price for laboratory analysis and reporting back that he had Malaria but I did not realize that understanding that Malaria can easily be treated and demanding to know what you were going to administer constituted a capital offence. All I asked is what medication have you given and that sent you into overdrive…..perhaps because the answer was, NONE!

You went on to chastise me for my tone of voice and while I asked you to remain calm as I had enough credit to enable you insult me maximally, I also attempted to tell you how difficult handling the day had been for me but you did not wish to hear, you hung up…..very rude, considering I was paying to hear you insult me but I quite understand! You probably went to school when there was no Google, Bing or other such search engines and when the ‘shrouding every treatment in secrecy’ method was very effectual. Nowadays, most clients are probably more knowledgeable than their doctors if the amount of research I do when I have to see my doctor is anything to go by.

Dear Prof, you need to get with the program! Turning your back as you draw 3mls of Vitamin B complex and then looking very mysterious as you add it to a bag of infusion neither changes what it is nor makes me believe you just added cloned blood cells that you imported from Germany during your last trip, get real! I teach this to Vet students all the time! You will better earn your client’s respect and get a RTC (return to clinic) if after assessing your patient, you sit down and discuss your treatment plan with your client, and in some cases gain their lifelong confidence by making them part of the healthcare team! Prof, I may need to ask when you last went to a Continuing Education Seminar or are human doctors not required to attend those shindigs?  I advise you to take one or two of those seminars and see how different education is nowadays. If you caught the dig, it’s yours!

Anyway, I just want you to understand that I am not likely to relocate from Ibadan because you gave me a bill of 14k and even though you may have had some people run away with your money before, you should not go around expecting people to do that to you as it probably will get done then! I know you need the money to pay staff and all but please, please, and please, stop going around confirming the rumors that people usually die once they get to your hospital, not many people take the time to find out that you actually wanted to set up a hospice but needed the cash-flow between deaths to pay your staff.

I forgive you  but wish you to understand that as the Yoruba proverb goes, adete o le fun wara, sugbon o le ba wara je……I could do your…ok, hospital, real damage by describing where its situated along Ashi road on that junction as you turn onto the Expressway, but I won’t because like I said, I forgive you, for the insults from you and your condescending doctor and mannerless nurse and your inability to appropriately diagnose malaria and start treatment and for attempting to shaft me to the tune of 14k. But please don’t ask me to forgive you using up my credit; did I claim to be a saint?