FLASH FICTION: Aged Wisdom

Every bath should start with washing the most sensitive body parts and when I say bath, I mean that in the Nigerian sense of the word. Nigerians bath when they take a shower and even with the shower, running water is a taboo. No matter how very educated or elitist a Nigerian is and no matter how ‘Home & Garden’ their bathroom is, no matter how very elegant and New Age a Nigerian’s bathroom is, look for the bucket and bowl. The bucket is for mixing hot & cold water, never mind that the tap is called a mixer tap or the number of knobs that can put some fighter jets to shame are very well displayed on the shower panel or bath tap, the ever present bucket and bowl is as authentic as a National Identification mark. The water has to be mixed in the bucket and the bowl has to be used to scoop the water to have a ‘bath’. But I digress.

She said the most sensitive bits should be washed first when taking a bath/shower and they don’t come more sensitive than the female ‘vijayjay’ or more clinically and acceptably known as the vagina. So, ‘wash “there” first’ she said and I listened. I am a good listener. But she wasn't done! ‘But you know what I have found?’ she asked.  I assured her I didn't and she continued, ‘it is always a problem deciding when to wash the back’. I deciphered what ‘back’ meant and nodded. She must mean the anus but if she didn't, I had no idea whatsoever what she is on about.

‘The reason is because there is always a temptation to wash the front and back at the same time but it can cause infections’. Lord, save me! How did I come to need this tutorial on washing sensitive bits? Do I smell? I wondered, not for the first time. My eighty year old friend is quick-witted, sharp as they come so I listen patiently. She must be going somewhere with this, I have learnt not to rush her when she has something on her mind. We have been friends for a long enough period that I do not rush her wisdom. It’s taken her this long to acquire it, if I do not wish to spend the same length of days to get what she knows, I better listen and patiently too, else I may miss the benefit of standing on her shoulder to reach beyond where she has.

'You know when you ‘bath’ (in the Nigerian sense of the word-which translates to shower elsewhere, and for which no word exists in some places), for every scoop of water you take, the water (assuming it was clean to begin with) becomes contaminated and so this is the reason you must begin by washing your most sensitive parts first'. 'The method I have found to be effective is to soap the front (vagina or penis depending on your gender-hopefully there are no hermaphrodites reading) and then the back (anus for those who need a label)'. 'After doing the soaping, it is essential to wash your hands'. 'This is to prevent you moving the abundant bacteria that are present 'behind' forward and causing an infection'. 'If you think about how this is something you will do every day of your life and sometimes twice a day, you will begin to get a sense of how very important it is to get it right'.

‘Then you repeat the same moves for the rinsing and then you can wash your body, front, back, wash hands’ she beamed at me in that mischievous way she knew I liked and I shook my head. I know she is laying the ground work for something else and she was not ready to share it today and so I am to grin and bear it for getting words out of her can be likened to using bare fingers to open a tin of liquid milk. Mostly impossible and definitely will predispose one to serious bodily harm. I smile and continue to rub her back and she closes her eyes and pretends to sleep. I know she is pretending because every time I stop, her eyes snap open with a warning in their depths. I am here because I want to be. She is my friend and I learn a lot from her. She is also a woman and so am I. We both know how to make people do what we want when we want. She is however a General, whereas I am merely a Lance Corporal. She mostly gets her way whenever we are together. She smiles lazily and I know she will soon lose her tight rein on being awake. I wait because I know time is something I have more of, it is also the reason I spend it on her.