I'm still here.....

Its been a very difficult day, very, for very many reasons. I am thankful that writing is available to me because crying tires me out. My motivation for writing has always been personal experiences and while I did not stop experiencing, I have not been inspired to write for some time. 

Waking from a difficult night, I launched forward with all the energy I could muster but stress had not finished with me yet. It would go on to be a day of epic pain, none of which I am at liberty to share. I am grateful today because we do not wear our emotions on our faces for I would be in serious trouble. 

All around me should make me happy and celebrate....its Mother's Day! While my biological mum is no more and I feel that pain acutely, I have many who play her part beautifully, if I would let them. I am however at a point where none but me can help my issues with my need and lack of mothering.

Church was super! I should have no issues there but there's a distant discontent I feel with some of what is ongoing there that my fanaticism will not let me speak about. I serve, with a smile, I heave a sigh of relief when its over! I hear the Holy Spirit say, 'what do you want, dear?' and I smile in that way that does not reach my eyes and walk as if I can get away from Him.

I am home and load 'mummy mode' bustling and hustling, making a fantastic meal (yes, I say so!) and feeding everyone to just above their limit. It IS Mother's day and that is what Mothers do, no? All the while, my pain is growing, threatening to overwhelm and undermine my sanity. I grasp at straws, at anything to make it make sense.

Always able to cope, I should be known as the 'Coper' but this particular burden is hard to bear. The annoying part is that the very thing that aids me makes it worse. I want to write about it but every time I attempt to, people come to conclusions about what I mean-the only failing social media writing has, in my view. 

I got a call from a kind friend. It eased my ache. It brought me out of my reverie and made me want to try again. I chatted with another friend, it sucked energy out of me and threatened my sanity. And I remembered how badly I need to be here. 

That is the only reason I am still here.