FICTION: Letter To My Boyfriend’s Wife!

CAVEAT: This is fiction! Fiction is defined in Today’s Ordinary English Dictionary as a story that is a figment of someone’s imagination, bears no resemblance to true or real events or people. If you need further clarification, Google is your friend!

Hello,

I am sure this will come as a surprise to you. If you did not know about me before, it just goes to show how much you have been slacking. Yes, I am she! The One! Current Champion & Reigning Queen. Your husband's girlfriend! I really should not gloat but you make it too easy. I just thought I should do my good deed for the day is the ONLY reason I am writing you.

From one zista to another, I truly need to know, why? Why did you bother to marry the guy when you knew you did not want to spend your days cooking his favorite meals and doing his laundry? Why would you marry him and then leave him for weeks unattended to sexually? Why? Did your mother not tell you that men cannot go for more than a few days without emptying their reserve or they will go blind? Where did you think that rumor about wanking and blindness came from?

I am not sorry I met him when I did because I had been praying to meet just this kind of man….unmarried, of course but when I met him, he might as well have been! I had done the rounds of several of the prayer houses when it seemed like the right kind of men had neither asked me out nor proposed as I neared the edge of ‘acceptable age of marriage’ (who decides these things sef?!) and even later when some of my fellow waiting sisters (sistren) had counselled about losing some ‘worldliness’ which loosely translated to ‘hipness’, I had obliged, trading my exotic weaves and wigs for ‘Ghana weaving’ and even a scarf instead of my famous hats and berets! I had endured all of the leering and secret winks of all those inglorious pastors, and slowly but surely, I marched across the ‘acceptable’ line into the leer & sneer brigade.

 I had tried everything: holy water, anointing oil, mantle but the men stayed firmly away! I had endured all kinds of crap from my co-workers and some (Lord, help me!) mousy ‘brothers’ in church. Until this day…..funny enough, it was my one day of rebellion! I had been so frustrated, I had driven to the other side of town, entered a club to have a drink.  And he walked in, flopped down on the seat opposite me, handed me his wallet and car keys, placed his head on the table and slept off. After a few minutes, I wondered if he was dead and if I would be accused of killing him. I knew no-one in this part of Lagos. I had tried to go far away from home and work on the Island so my fellow sistren would not see me enter or leave such an establishment. I finished my drink of Malta Guinness and ordered another to while away the time. He had started to snore by this time, so I was reassured of his being alive.

Why would you drive a man to such lengths? And such a delicious looking one at that! And see, I tried oh! I resisted with everything in me but you kept handing him to me after every time I got him to go home. I’m only human now! That is why it happened! I still remember the day, crystal clear in my memory. After several attempts to be ‘more than friends’ that I had resisted with all of my power, thinking I wanted God to see me being good and send me my own man, he came by one day,  visibly distressed. We had become firm friends and talked about almost anything.

Wait, ehn, please, why do you not feed him man-food? He hates Indomie, you know?! Which is what he says you serve him every night! Why? He loves good food and knows it too! If I tell you of some of the places we have been to have the craziest meals, you will just die! Ha! Indomie?! Do you know its your dog that eats all that your indomie, Indomie garnished with sweet corn, Indomie with mayonnaise, Indomie with corned beef….na wa! *RME*

Anyway, I resisted, but you pushed him to me, by refusing to feed him food and TLC or even connecting with him in any way! He is such a good man but you kept frustrating him at every turn. Me, I do not look gift horses in the mouth. That night, I had also been depressed about something from work and when he came to ask if I wanted to go with him to have a drink, I agreed!  Drinks and dancing and depression are a potent mix! We fell into each other’s arms like hungry lions into a herd of plump goats. We (unfortunately for you) connected sexually, like no man’s business and the rest (as they say) is history!

Madam, why now? Why? Women are everywhere, honing skills that will make them better wives and you, you are toying with such a precious gift! Anyway sha, you are very lucky! I must say, whoever your Pastor is, give him my warm regards! I am breaking this off. Do not ask me why, but my biological clock and my aged parents who are about to disown me for not marrying and producing a child before they die (only child problems) are some of the players in this movie. God save you oh!

I advise you to take a break from that your job and spend some time with your man. Validate him, find out who he has become and rediscover who he is and re-connect. He loves you and even though we had it good, he just wants to be the man who made you happy but he is still only a man. Feed him (not Indomie oh!), show you care for him, listen to what he says and please Madam, learn some new bedmatics! That planking that you do is just not on! I can send you some links if you need them…ah! Please!

Ok, bye for now, but please do not forget, my sistren are lurking and some of them do not have my scruples. Do the needful!