1. Name- It can be anything you want it to be, Sweetheart, Sugar, Darling. Just keep it nice and regular. Some acronyms also work for me, SH, MH, MATT. The ones that can be problematic are those nasty ones, Bitch, Stupid, Crazy. Those ones can make me go berserk and you don't want that. Trust me, you really don't want that.
2. Age- I can be however old you want me to be. 16, just under the legal age limit so you can feel like you are old enough to run me around like your maid. Or forty-something, so I can be acceptable to your friends who do not wish to deal with a younger girl in their midst. Or 200, when Solomon's wisdom is required and those times when you need a sounding board for your business ideas that you don't have to give me credit for, sebi you know?!
3. Date of Birth- see 2 above.
4. State of Origin- similar to 2 above. In Nigeria, where we shall be domiciled, a woman is only allowed to claim her husband's state of origin but you will indulge me, my dear, I will leave MY hometown on my Facebook profile as always. I can however be from anywhere that takes your fancy, and can cook up a storm from any of those places too! Please see education below!
5. Sex- all woman, female 24/7 X365 or 366!
6. Education with dates- Hmmmm, see, the thing is, I was well prepared by my mum for this job but I do not know how to put this. I will try by describing how she may or may not have helped prepare me adequately:
a) When I was a baby, (yes! she started early!) she would ensure my hands stretched to my back during my daily bath, so I could do any contortions you may wish with my hands if and more likely when you require it. If you had remotely sexual thoughts, you're officially worse than me, I meant for fetching things, not whatever it is you thought! Ahn ahn?! She also twisted my legs....yes! This one is sexual! #okbye!
b) As a toddler, she tried (and failed) to make me like skirts and dresses. Sigh! You will have to make room for my trousers, in every color and design. No way around that.
c) I hawked meatpies as a child-how that taught me anything? Haba! I know how to encourage people to eat even if they do not think they are hungry, very important skill for this job in my opinion.
d) I learnt to make said meatpies in c) above and very many other delicacies....she was a caterer you see.
e) Mum worked in Civil service when I was in Primary School and so I learnt to hide under her desk when important people were coming to her office-how that taught me anything? Ah! I can disappear when unwanted noni.
7. Qualifications with dates-
1. Female-since birth.
2. Feisty-I learnt that along the way.
3. Fun-discovered this while life was happening.
4. Forgiving-the one requirement that this job needs that I have aplenty.
5. Fantabulous-saved the best for last. (means fantastic and fabulous. I edited the 'licious' part, do not want other candidates feeling too bad).
8. Hobbies- Reading my bible, Parking in front of a television screen, Cooking, Washing clothes, Food shopping. Bwahahahahahahahahahah!!!!! *YINMU* Believe this, you'll believe anything....my hobbies are not things we can speak of without an 18+ rating......
9. References-
Hmmmmmm, this one will be very hard oh! The first person I can use is dead, the other is current husband and should not know I am even applying for this job. Can I do referee for myself? Just asking!
10. Caveat- This curriculum vitae came to me while evaluating skills a lady should have when applying for the job of a side-chick, but most definitely not in this form. I have attempted to keep it funny without being rude (read lewd) as I am more aware of the longevity of written articles nowadays and my daughter has started to show an avid interest in what I write, so blame her if this bores you. It certainly did not read like this in my head!
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ReplyDeleteLOL!!!! UUUUU!!!!!
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