This MARRIAGE thing sef.....

This blogpost was inspired by @nisots who tweeted such idealism about marriage and made me laugh so much but then, I pondered seriously about what many of us know about marriage and the first thing is that not many married people speak glowingly about it and those who do are suspected to be hiding behind a mask. 

Well, I decided I'd write about the subject but my inadequacy is evident to me ab initio..... The reason is, even though married, I am aware of how very many factors affect marriage to the extent that no two marriages are alike and as such I do not dare to describe marriage in all its ramifications or implications. I will attempt to describe what I have observed of the institution thus far and which is why I find many of the attempts to describe marriage or the 'lists' that people come up with when describing marriage comical. A lot of idealistic hogwash if you ask me. And this is more of the same! I think marriage is one of those life experiences that are better experienced than relying on others for.....well, almost anything! 

For starters, marriages are supposed to compose two individuals; an adult male who to all intents and purposes should be matured physically (needed to put this out there in light of the recent Yerima-gate issues in recent times) and willing to commit to lead a team of at least two, the female being the other part, who excites him physically, emotionally and several other '-allies'. The other component part is an adult female who is physically matured and also able to commit to submit to the team leader who also excites her physically, emotionally and in several other '-allies'. 

This is the standard, but we know that in Africa, a number of scenarios which differ moderately and severely from this picture exist.....sisters,brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles, older wives, younger wives, parents....all may claim equal status in the marriage and dealing with them all may pose a real threat to one or the other team members' sanity or lack thereof.

There is the issue of why people choose to get married. I am of the opinion that quite a number of us sit on very high sanctimonious horses judging others for not marrying for the reasons we did but I think reasons need to be as personal as possible. The reason is that only the person who decides gets to be in the marriage and thus any reason other than the one that person is motivated by may be less than the best reason. The reasons I have heard have ranged from love, time, family, status, property, companionship, hunger (for food/sex), money, immigration status, and some, for no reason at all. Now, each of those reasons is a valid reason to get married! As long as the person commits to their role in the union.

How people get married is the stuff of nightmares in our part of the world. If one is unlucky enough to have relatives who enjoy a circus *insert eyeroll* it will be a lost battle to attempt to resist the onslaught. The best advice I can give is 'Grin & bear it' Anything else is just prolonging the torture and torture it usually is. Young people who would just enjoy a simple fun day with friends are made to grimace and be nice to their parents' friends who are swollen with their self-importance and their wealth (pseudo, real or imagined) and can only hope the older people will (re)tire quickly and leave so they can have a good party before they and their friends are too tired to do the dances they will be talking about for years after the wedding. 

When to get married is another very contentious issue. Forget Yerima-gate, I do not speak of under-age ones here. I mean, is it always a good idea to marry just because a biological clock somewhere is ticking? Absolutely NOT!!! If you do pick it as a reason to get married, its better to do so with the knowledge that this is a rushed job and that several things may need to be understood only after the fact of a marriage. And this just properly prepares one for the hard work required to make marriage work. I have found that a huge dollop of realism and even maybe cynicism is necessary in addition to all of the 'doe-y-eyed' idealism that people enter marriage with. It sets too many up for failure because it enhances the expectations of both self and partner which all come crashing when these are unmet or delayed.

Contrary to what Hollywood and Nollywood have sold romantics, things go wrong in marriage for the most mundane of reasons. It does not mean the man is a bad person neither does it mean the woman is. Sometimes, wires are just crossed is all. And no amount of quick-fixes will fix it. And not for want of trying. All  the 'lists' claim- keep communication alive, romance burning brightly, mutual respect, remember to be kind, serve him hot food, don't lie there like a log during sex, take care of the home, don't put on weight....all great advice but you may do it all and still, nothing works. By the same token, you may do none of these and all is fine and chirpy. This is why, for me, the time before you get married is crucial and I'll tell you why.

Before one marries, there is a period of time when you are discovering your strengths, your weaknesses, your path in life. Enjoy it! Be absolutely certain about your goals and aspirations and the general direction you want your life to take. This is what you will need to check off on when the right man comes along. Quite a number of your goals will dovetail and match up and if you listen well, you will find him using some of the very words you used to describe your dreams to your pals and then it will be easy to agree on many things. A lot of people are looking for something or the other and they forget to come with equity to the table. You are looking for a happy person, have you got some happiness in you? And that's my one example, for that line of thought can degenerate pretty quickly. 

Too many people abdicate responsibility for the process into marriage & expect miracles on the other side but miracles happen when you expect them & prepare for them. To imagine that God (the all time favorite marriage crutch) will override you and your will as well as your partner and his will is ludicrous! He doesn't play like that, sorry! Neither does He do the quick-fixes that many assume will magically heal all of their troubles and take them right past heaven's gate to Utopia. Marriage is hard, back breaking work and when you see a couple whose well oiled marriage runs like its on premium grease, well check their elbows! As we say in my neck of the woods, no be beans!

There are exceptions to the no-rule rules, some basics are a given and should be fundamental. In this regard, I feel a certain sadness that the church has acted in an ostrich-like manner in spite of the highly reasonable advice that the Bible which the church claims as its rule-book proffers. When a person is abusive, either emotionally or physically, it is important to remove one's self from the abuse. Sometimes, this kills the ego issues of the abuser and wakes them up enough to enable the situation to heal. Other times it won't do more than preserve the life or sanity of the one experiencing the abuse. For me, that is enough. The church has aided abuse in not standing against it strongly and being pacifistic about it and has as such aided many into an early grave by making desperation their only companion....Lambo's Unit, UCH is a testament to this sad fact.

On the flip side is the ill-preparation that the church metes out to its youth by being unrealistic and pesudo-holy thus making a vast majority of the Christian youth, easy prey to the super-savvy, streetwise and most times, world-wise un-churched youths who know to go to church for WIFE/HUSBAND MATERIAL.

Marriage works when the people involved are committed to a good life that recognizes the unit as a team that faces the issues as one and each part shores up the other through the difficult patches while enjoying each other's successes as their own. Any other mindset creates problems that opens a wound which will worsen with time. Once one partner discovers that wounds inflicted are deliberate, they will find healing in things that cannot permanently cure the wound and the descent into chaos is certain from that point. 

Looking around, I see quite some modifications to marriage that are only a result of an inability to do the work to solve the problems that most marriages are experiencing nowadays, and one is pained at how so many have 'settled' rather try for the rich experience marriage was meant to be. I am by turns idealistic, realistic, cynical and disgustingly mushy about this subject but I do know, I am no expert. I have tried to say what I know without attempting to force feed anyone anything because I am well aware of how with marriage, one size DOES NOT fit all!

Thanks Tosin Olowokande, for being my inspiration!