GUEST POST: Yomi Adegboye writes on RESPECT & SUBMISSION.

She woke me up at 3am with a Whatsapp message: "Yu up?" "Ya. whats up?" I replied, giving up all pretence of sleeping. After a few more sentences where she directed me to Facebook to read a status update that had got her goat, she wrote, "Calling yu..." I crept out of the bedroom where le hubby was snoring and grinding his teeth blissfully unaware of my insomnia issues. I made it into my favorite chair before my phone rang.She (read sister, only and elder) who lives in the US, had read and was offended by a relative's status update and we bantered about it back and forth. 

This guest post, written a while back by my friend, is an attempt to clarify the differences between respect and submission which in essence, is what the status update which I found very disrespectful to women (RME) was about. Yomi's article starts here:

A good friend of mine asked me to do a write up highlighting the differences between respect and submission in marriage. She said she had heard and read all sorts of stuff that had left her more confused than ever. My friend is married and is a Christian, so I am writing this from the perspective of what the Bible teaches about wives being submissive to their husbands.

Let me give a quick summary, after which I will break things down:

1) Respect has to do with HOW you do things in relating with your spouse. That is, attitude.

2) Submission is about WHAT you do under the authority of your husband. Submission has to do with being under authority. The husband is to the woman what Christ is to the Church.

A wife can submit to her husband and be disrespectful while at it. She can also respect her husband without submitting to him. Best of all, she can be both.

I know that lots of women today have a problem with the word "submission" in marriage. The odd thing is that they do not have a problem with submission on the road, at work, as citizens, or at church. They submit to traffic lights and officers without question. They submit to their bosses. They submit to the laws of the land. They submit to their pastors. But for the life of me, they rebel against submission at home. Marriage seems to be the only institution where submission is an issue. No wonder marriages collapse faster than businesses, states and churches these days. Where there is no order, things fall apart quickly.

For the avoidance of doubt, I do not believe that being submissive or being under authority means being a doormat or a moron. It simply allows for order to reign. Order reigns on our roads when we submit to traffic lights and officers. That traffic officer may be poorer, younger, dumber, or less polished than you. Same goes for the president of your country, your state governor, or the CEO of the company you work for. But for order to reign, his authority must stand. You submitting to him does not mean that he is better than you or superior to you. It is a question of order and nothing else. A leader's authority makes order possible.

Marriages are often a mess because authority isn't recognized. No institution can function without order. None. I have heard people say "Why can't we just be friends in marriage?" If you want to be JUST friends and nothing more, you shouldn't have let him put a ring on it. You should have stayed friends or lovers and not ventured into mariage. Marriage is way more than friendship. Marriage changes everything. Have you noticed how two people can be great friends or lovers for years, and everybody says they are perfect together, but then they marry and things fall apart? That is because friendship and marriage are two different things. Friendship should be found in marriage, but it isn't all there is to marriage. Marriage is more. Marriage defines roles - leader and follower.

It is similar to starting a business with your friend. Friendship is friendship - two free spirits meeting and interacting. In business, roles are defined. Someone takes the lead role, and so business cannot be run like friendship. Business requires order - and so authority figures. Same for marriage.

Let's get back to the comparisons between submission and respect. At a road junction, a traffic officer may delay waving your lane through and being in a hurry to meet up with an appointment, you are worked up. You may obey and not move till he waves you on, but if you are tooting your horn annoyingly, yelling at him, and spitting at him, you are not respecting him though you are submitting his authority.

Alternatively, you may decide that something is wrong with this traffic officer and so drive on though he has not permitted you to move. In this case, you have not submitted. You may smile at him in a friendly manner and throw him a salute as a mark of respect, but you have refused to submit. You are in violation of order and of the law.

While submission is a one-way thing, being a response to authority, respect is a two-way thing. In addressing you, the traffic officer (though carrying authority) needs to be respectful. In sane societies, even a police officer effecting an arrest is respectful. "Watch your head, sir" he says as he helps the offender into the squad car. Bosses need to be respectful towards their staff. Husbands need to speak and act respectfully towards their wives and children. Respect is an attitude that everyone should cultivate.

I will repeat this: a woman can be submissive to her husband and be totally disrespectful while at it. Without seeing this, she will wonder why he has complaints about her, after all she has not gone against his wishes. A woman can serve her husband's meals and be disrespectful at it. He will notice the attitude and it won't matter whether the meals are delicious or that she spent the whole day preparing them. On the flip side, she can be totally respectful, yet not submit to his leadership.

When you hear the word submission, think followership. That is really all there is to it. In marriage, it means following the lead of your husband. This is key to marriage. If you think he is too slow and keep jumping ahead of him, you are not submitting to him and you are invalidating his position. You will have problems. Remember the traffic warden or the traffic lights. No matter how slow we think they are, we wait until given the green light. The world will not end if you wait for your husband to take the lead. Yes; there are exceptional circumstances, but those come once in ten years and are understandable. Make no mistake about it, a woman who keeps running ahead of her husband (or who keeps doing her own thing even when he has given directions) is not submissive and will likely have issues at home. It does not matter how well meaning she is. It is recipe for trouble.

You may ask me, "What if I do not like the direction that my husband wants us to go?" Here is my response: the test of followership is not in when you agree with the decisions of your leader. Anyone can do that. The test of a follower is what you do when you disagree with his decision. If you habitually go your own way when you disagree with your team lead, you need to get out of that team. You have no business being there. My question is: What were you thinking marrying a man so stupid that you can't follow him? When a woman habitually runs ahead of her husband, his frame of mind is that he is not needed. He disconnects.

You don't agree with the decision of your leader? Dialogue. Talk. Respectfully explain your position and plead your case. He should listen too and give thought to your points, but his decision is his decision. And all done and said, you should follow even if he does not change his mind. Your husband will read that as loyalty. As an example, Abraham asked his wife to lie to King Abimelech to protect him. She went along with him. The bible portrays her as an example of a godly woman worthy of emulation. Note that he did not ask her to lie or bear false witness against someone. She followed his leadership.

Of course, there are glaringly wrong things that require disobedience. There is no contesting that. But unless you married a thief, fraudster, imbecile, selfish person or megalomaniac, I see no reasons why submission on a day-to-day basis should be difficult for the wife. While at this, I need to say something profound:

While the Bible's commandment to submit to her husband may sound unconditional at first glance, any detailed study of the bible shows that no commandment given to govern human interactions is 100% unconditional. This is because human beings are fallible. It is impossible (even wrong) to submit 100% to a leader who has consistent moral failings. Perhaps a man is a perpetual drunk and spends all his money on alcohol, then demands that his wife hands over her income to him. She would be wrong to do so. You see, she is also commanded to take care of her children, among other things. Where her husband's irresponsibility means that the children will suffer, submission needs to take a back seat. If she hands over her income to her alcoholic husband to waste on booze, she would be subjecting their children to hunger and other deprivations. She also will die of hunger and have no means to take care of herself. Contrary to what some men may think, the responsibility of a wife is NOT ONLY to her husband. The Bible has no problems with a wife respectfully not submitting in exceptional conditions of this sort. But do take note that this is the exception.

Respect and submission are two different things. They are both required of the wife in marriage. These are not all that are required to make marriage work, of course. But they are certainly foundational.

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End of Yomi's article. 

I really would like feedback when you read this. I teach Sunday School and I get asked about this often enough and while I hold very strong personal views about respect and submission,I know I am not infallible. So, before I do a follow-up blogpost, I need feedback, please? Pretty please?!

PS- Yomi Adegboye is a Content Creator, Speaker, Music Lover, Ladies' Man ( I hate this part of him!){he wrote that}, Owner of over 100 mobiles, Managing Editor, Mobility.ng, and a Maverick (yes; he really is crazy!){he wrote that,also}. He advises you to not follow him on Twitter where he is @Mister_Mobility