PARENTING

There are no parenting manuals. Don't be fooled by HonestToddler and her ilk. They would like to make you think there is a way that seems right to parent a child. There aren't actually. All we know are the ways to not parent a child.

Well, maybe except for the one this article will attempt to show you (lol!Lie!), there are really no right ways to parent a child. Make that an African child. How many times have we read some of those skits (lwkmd!) where a child writes about how being the child of an African parent differs from others, usually Americans / Whites.

It sometimes reads thus:

White parent: *knock knock* 'sweetie, may I come in?' Child: 'No, I said stay the fuck away from my room' End result: Parent apologizes and leaves child alone.

African parent: *barges into room* 'come, why is your room so untidy?' Child: 'But mum, you can't just invade my privacy, you didn't even knock' End result: child wakes up in the Intensive Care Unit of Hospital.

No joking matter. I may try to make it seem like it wasn't that way but I honestly can't. Even having a father who was light years ahead of his time did nothing to help ME with understanding how the African society demands that we bear and raise children. The scenario plays out thus:

The pregnant woman was expected to cope with the challenges of pregnancy, stoically gritting her teeth while bearing all of the challenges. 'Pregnancy is NOT a disease' I have heard those who make these demands on women say and very true, well, neither is being nice! 

Women had the job description of keeping house and churning out children but today, while not complaining, I see how different the demands made on women is from then. Many hold down a full day's job and then come home and do another full day's job of caring for families while some men offer some help that they then expect to be properly thanked for rendering. KMT!

When delivery time came, the man waits outside while the woman carried on with the bringing forth with attendant screams that were acknowledged with Agama lizard type head nodding to the end that the man could be proud to have put his woman in such a case. When over, back slapping to tell him how proud they are of him is the usual way his family and friends will greet him. 

It usually takes a health worker to remind everyone that the father needs to visit the very tired mother who, depending on the sex of the child may be praised or asked to prepare to return to her father's house (justplaying!).

If she makes it home, she has to, in addition to caring for a young baby, care for an elderly relative who tradition requires, will stay to ensure that the baby is cared for but who just has bath, eat and feed fat off the couple as her........need I continue this train of thought? 

Those old enough know what I am on about, those not, don't need to know, really. For its the mis-education of parents that this is about and its time to end this.

The child is left mostly to the mother who attempts as much as lies with her, to ensure the child is schooled and well brought up. This is usually why the Yorubas have that saying that the good child is the father's while the bad one is the mother's. 

If the mother happens to be overwhelmed or ill-prepared for this task, the father moves the blame to her parents, I guess to his mind, they must have been derelict in their duty of preparing their daughter to be a mother to HIS children and do ALL that is required to raise HIS children while he, as Lord of the manor takes all of the glory for all the work done (seriously playing here!) .

Fast forward to today. Women have jobs equal to and sometimes more tasking than their husbands, they contribute to the upkeep of the home, they still have the responsibility of carrying pregnancies. I look around and see a lot of wonderful men who understand how to care for their women. 

They tend, speak lovingly, reassure and carry the pregnancy with their wives. These men are awesome and I salute their progressive thinking and attitudes.

Men who attend Antenatal classes with their wives, shop for the baby together and even slip when they talk about 'we are pregnant, my wife is, that is'. They are comical pictures on delivery day requiring almost an equal volume of sedative to make it through till the baby arrives. 

I remember seeing a man during the birth of my second daughter upon being told his wife was carrying a baby in breech position, let go of his trousers that he held up with his hands (probably forgot the belt in the rush to get her to hospital). He walked around like that for a bit while the nurses tried to convince him that all would be well but he seemed oblivious. He spoke to himself in a foreign language too!

Anyway, those ones are awesome but there's a breed of dinosaurs who still think women should do it all and who regardless of the jobs their wives do will get home with a stern look and disappear into their bedrooms and will only emerge to eat or watch television while peering at the entire (now solemn) household from behind their glasses. 

Many of such do not know the first thing about having a conversation with a child! They scare the children who rush off and find role models in all the wrong kinda people.....What? They probably scare their wives too! (done playing!)

There should be a hell for such abdication of responsibility. How do you want a child to deal in life with issues that you have had years to learn to cope with without you? Don't you know it was for the child's benefit that you had the help you needed when you cried for help?

I may seem to be directing this at fathers more than anything but that maybe because many more need the awakening than do mothers is why.

Parenting is about making making better choices and enabling a child with better skills than you had. And please before we go all dewy-eyed, I am not saying what some of us got was not good for us. I know that but for some of the encounters I had with body parts (read, hands) and some inanimate objects (read, koboko, pankere) I would be totally unruly instead of just sometimes.....

There is a place for discipline and for that which some call 'tough love' (back to playing) and which I just call parenting (and I resisted the urge to add 'good'). For, if done right, a parent should grow an independent individual who is rounded, mature, able to discern good from evil and able to make choices and be responsible for the consequences.

Mis-educated parents (mothers and fathers) are unable to achieve a balance, they are either nit-picky about everything and cause the child to develop unnatural coping strategies which may range from timidity through promiscuity or they are 'free-rangers' who are lax about discipline thus relinquishing all parenting to the child or whoever the child happens to bequeath it to......and there is no grander stage set for chaos than this.

The right balance sees the potentials and limitations and steps in to support, encourage for the benefit of all. It also sees the flirtations with madness and the alluring glances at wrongdoing and stands there like Obelix, ready to beat the shit (literarily and otherwise) out of the loved and cherished one.

This is so that one may have the time and peace of mind (and wherewithal) to take off on a trip through Europe without worrying about how many Newspaper reports will carry one's name or how much one will need to pay to make the embarrassment go away upon one's return.

The stuff parenting perks are all about......