RE: Guest Post on Respect and Submission

About 60 people have read the guest post on Respect and Submission and about seven have bothered to let me know what they thought on the issue. All seven of them are dear people to me that I am enamoured with (or should that be of? I forget!). Anyway, of the seven, five are women and four I am sure are married. The gentleman who gave feedback is also married and I am grateful for the feedback I got from all of you. (Thanks, Uloma, Nike, Joke, Tarae, Tola, Yomi and Toks)

Let me pause here and rant about my sister. She is busy, I know. It is why I sent her the blogpost before it was even a blogpost to read and tell me her thoughts, well, I'm still waiting.....and you wonder why I leave you those voicemails where I introduce myself? Y'all need to understand that I am needy and you need to check in with me every few days & massage my very needy ego and stuff....ok, rant over!

I need to thank Yomi Adegboye for the fantastic job of distinguishing between respect and submission. Perhaps the context that I failed to emphasize in the blogpost was that Yomi had written this in response to a woman who was uncertain what the difference was between respect and submission. I took the liberty of sharing his response to her unedited and so if it appeared to have been directed at women mostly, this was the reason. That said, he did try for some balance especially stating that there are exceptions and respect needs to be reciprocal.

That said, for a marriage to be mutually satisfying, there needs to be an understanding. I have said this before and I will say it again, marriage is not for kids, it is a mature adult man and mature adult woman that make up a marriage. Sadly this is simply not very true in many cases and its the very reason of our humanity and imperfection. We all are made up of the sum total of our experiences and for some of us, the baggage of those experiences never get left behind. We are still dragging it all around for no other reason than we have never felt a need to deal with them.

Respect is usually earned. Forgive me if this seems like a negation of what we all know but if the traffic guy in Yomi's post wears an orange tee on black jeans and stands in the middle of the road asking me not to move, he may have booked himself a one way ticket to the orthopaedic ward in UCH, I don't play like that! 

What he needs to do is make sure he puts on his regulation uniform and then I will know he is a traffic warden and stop when he says I should. Sigh! Ehn, I know I'm not as good at doing this as he is but you sha get my drift, shey? Respect is earned, I can't say it often enough. It is not okay for a guy to just assume that he can do whatever he likes with consequences for both and continue to get respect. I just need for women to understand this as much as men do.

A man that you start out despising but manage, hmmmm! By the time you guys get naked and comfortable and the farts or snoring starts, well, it will get harder to look at him and not sneer on some days....and then if life adds a curveball into the mix, it will take a really great attitude to maintain respect, I kid you not. 

Well, for many who start out dovey-eyed, it takes a while for their Don Juan to develop flaws and even then, most women make excuses for their men for the longest time (sorry, ladies! I know we like to make like we don't but....). Anyway, here is the time for a man to be kind & loving so as to retain respect because the thing is, once the respect is gone, its doubly hard to get it back, and then, if ever.

Now submission, I am amused that this is difficult for some women, really! Why? Oh! You can clean, cook, care for his children, even lie down & let him stick it in you and you think you can't submit? My dear, stop that joke, abeg! Women who decide to marry, have made a conscious decision to submit and your refusing to enjoy it as you do is why you are having a hard time of it! 

Submission is just agreeing to allow the natural order to be in place. Please do not take this to mean you have to lay down and be a doormat but that someone goes in front with how things will be done is all, I think Yomi said all there is to say here. But may I add that even with this natural order, respect will aid submission in the sense that there will be mutuality. Days when he will submit and days when she will. This will be unnoticeable unless there is a lack of respect. Then everyone's hackles will be up.

I would like to talk of the exceptions but I am hampered by lack of experience, instances where a woman needs to be wise and choose life instead of submission. At every point where a person's integrity, be it physical, emotional or mental is threatened, caution is required. Do not listen to all the people who wish to tell you what is right. Look to your gut. Listen to YOU. One of the kindest and best words for a woman in such a case is 'do whatever pleases you' YOU!

However, in conclusion, one of the contributors stated very succintly this:

My opinion for all its worth is that submission and respect are not issues where genuine 

love exists. Where a couple are genuinely in love with each other and look towards making 

each other happy and denying their own self interest for the simple reason that the 

happiness and wellbeing of their spouse is more important than theirs then respect and 

submission is a non issue.

This is the end of the matter.