OPEN LETTER TO JOKE (@JustJoxy): A Very Robust Response

For those who will feel a need to print and sell this letter in the fashion after the Former Multiple President”s Open Letter, please desist. This is a very Private Open letter. We will not be averse to prosecuting, you have been warned! The sign is in the fact that my English is understandable, which usually means I mean business!

Dear Joke/JustJoxy,

It is indeed my pleasure to be writing you this open letter this day, seeing as you have spent quite a number of hours tensioning me and generally trying to make me feel sad and even taking my matter to the open field of Twitter to call me names, I would usually just let things of this nature pass but I don’t want you walking your neighbourhood feeling like Al Capone, that you made me an offer I couldn’t refuse ni but that weren’t it.

I love you ni. Dazall! I sometimes think that mayhaps you were jazzing me but I also know it’s one of those things about life that can be inexplicable. You make like you are tough and all but I have enjoyed such care and love from you since I ‘met’ you a few short years ago. 

At this juncture, I must pause and give honour to whom it is due, my darling friend and Secondary School Classmate who introduced us *drum roll, please* Peju Olajide nee Bakrin. She did good oh! She had read both our writing and felt we did it well (me, better but I don’t like to brag with things like this). She then pointed to the fact that we had been born on the same day but I was quick to point out that me, I am faaaaaaaaaar younger. Yes, that is the story Uncle Reuben Abati will be spreading when my Ministerial Appointment is confirmed. You people had better be nicer to me already.

So as I was saying ehn, we found we were birthday mates and getting to know you turned out to be a rich and rewarding experience. I remember being alone, lonely and lonesome in Louisiana and how you and a host of others stepped up and totally enveloped me in warm mushy hugs that brought home and love into my apartment and made my isolation bearable. You, even though you had quite a huge workload to carry, would check up on me and ensure I was laughing before you went off. Skype probably considered giving us an award but they were too shy to ask us.

Upon my return home, you hassled me onto WhatsApp and attempted to invade my every waking moment, sometimes chasing me across different social media platforms asking questions, some of which I will address as I go along. If I went three days without hearing from you, I knew I should try to get in touch before you come at me with questions that warm my heart and strengthen my resolve. The few times I am in the mood to actually stress you, it’s like water off a duck’s back. I have never seen anyone so adept at ignoring jabs like you do except for well, maybe me! It’s such an art; we do need to teach it so it does not die with us, not that we will die any time soon oh! I ain’t obliging enough for that.

You came home and validated our friendship in the kindest of ways and I will ALWAYS treasure that in the deep recesses of my heart. The one and a half days we spent together was so full, and rich, I still sometimes go over the time to be sure it wasn’t more. Such is your awesomeness! You give my BFF a good run but that one has traits no human can aspire to. This isn’t about her, Let me not start to digress for I know how that tongue of yours will lay into me but sebi you kuku know I also possess that skill for ignoring what I don’t want to acknowledge. You are constantly in my space and I remember saying to you, your picture should be enough description for the word ‘persistence’…..

You challenge me daily with your selflessness in your devotion to your family in ways I cannot even begin to aspire to. Cooking, Cleaning, Ferrying the girls to and fro and on top of things all the time. Uncle T is lucky and I am VERY grateful that he is such a great person, totally deserving is he. Sometimes I want to complain and find myself thinking of you and wondering what I have done that qualifies me to it. You ought to bottle some of your exuberance cos it sure is pure grade! *dodges shoe*

Now, to the matter of your questions, you ask too many! Jeeze! Always! All the time! You go on and on and on and sometimes, you make me want to pull my hair out but I love when you do it! May be because I am well able to ignore you and just carry on with my day is why. You ask when we will meet and I am shocked, we are not together? It sure feels like we are all the time! Sometimes, you are in need of a listening ear and pick me and I totally have great fun.

Babes, you are a wonderful person and I wanted to say thank you for your friendship in this open manner. I know you will attempt to tell me how wonderful and awesome I am also, but don’t worry, I already know! If I am to choose between both of us who is awesome-r, it would be too easy! While I consider you my twin (older), I do know the better one of both of us and see her daily when I look in the mirror.  So, as you say, ma care….

There have been times when I was conflicted and you set me straight, no nonsense style and here is a big thank you! I had hoped we could be together to rock our day but circumstances conspired to keep us apart but sebi you know how we do?!

Happy Birthday dear Joke, thanks, for everything…….

Now abeg, do quick and send me a picture of my gift via BBM! I even shed fake tears oh! That should be worth a Jaguar at least! Abeg, nor allow me do Part 2 of this letter oh! You wee nor like eet!!! And please note, I do not wish to see any food pictures this day!