Fifty, Fierce and Fabulous!

 

I had a nightmare. 

Very bad. 

I dreamt I got married to a senior cousin of mine who also happened to be a Reverend and it went bad very quickly. 

And kept getting worse till it took my sister's intervention to rescue me. 

I believe dreams have power but I also know not every dream is literal. 

I also think if you focus on a thing, you may end up dreaming about it. 

Like I had a conversation about some bad marriages during the night with a dear friend in a different time zone, so it may be that that weighed heavily on my mind and brought one of my worst fears to my dreams. 

Anyone who knows me more than casually knows my stance on marriage. 

Been married once & the experience was bad enough that I never wish to repeat it. 

Ever! 

Never mind that I've been single for about 6years and love it like that. 

Anyone I choose to be with is a one time choice. 

The ability to make that choice is the very foundation of that choice. 

And it's working quite well for me right now.

This is not to say I hate marriage, far from it! 

I am such a hopeless romantic that I am constantly haranguing people to go ahead and marry. 

I seriously love the institution but have enough clarity to know it's not for me the way its being currently administered. 

But I desire it earnestly for as many as want it. 

In my case, I did not have the gene encoding for it and when I thought to try and trick myself into doing it, did it with the wrong one and ended up miserable for the longest time and eventually (thankfully) got kicked out and (also thankfully) blissfully living my best life since. 

I see how it is all God's plan now cos of my ladies but see, it was such a harrowing experience, best left in the dustbin of the past. 

So, this dream rattled me enough that I decided to put this out there. 

I have zilch interest in marriage for me. 

Even were I to find my Prince Charming. 

It would end up being perfectly imperfect whereas my ideal is imperfectly perfect (which is what I have going on right now). 

I should write about The Lover. 

The concept, not the man. 

My ideal man is me; male. 

And while I choose not to elucidate, I know many who will be thinking they know exactly what I mean and would be sincerely wrong. 

My life, my terms and thankfully, I am not beholden to anyone except those I defer to for reasons of love. 

So, why all this long winded treatise? 

Truth is, that dream scared me shitless. 

I had been talking to a friend and was describing my HRN & he said, that one has passed dating now, he is your partner! 

And I laughed and said whatever. 

And he has said as much himself even though in a different sense and I realise the idea scares me. 

Again, not because of anything other than the hideous memory the first time was and how truly I underestimated the capacity for wickedness a spouse can have. 

And choose never to put myself in that position again. 

Ever. 

I hear someone (probably Angel Jamiu) whispering 'famous last words' and 'dont tempt fate' but this is neither. 

It's merely me admitting that while love and family appeals to  me, the societal trappings and hypocritical grandstanding of a relationship only on society's terms is not for me. 

I stand on the cusp of my 50th year which I knew would be epic for me in more ways than I would be prepared for and celebrate my life choices unapologetically.  

Anyone who has issues with them is welcome to hug a trsnsformer (preferably one that works!). 

I love love but I am tired of the unspoken rules about how it may be accessed and the truly hideous demands made on women to sustain solely what we call a relationship and to give up their being for the same. 

I remember being counseled to get naked at midnight and apologize to the one who traumatised me for peace sake & it was just one too many times I was being asked to give up my personhood so he could flourish and I couldn't. 

I told the one who suggested the course of action no ( and I loved him so much for reasons of having stood up to another wicked actor in this story on my behalf. May God grant him eternal rest) but I couldn't. 

Which is why religion is not the same thing to me as some folks would like it to be. 

For many, it serves to hold others to standards that they do not even hold themselves to but it gives me wings to sosr above oppressive and devious chains. 

Anyway, here we are. 

I'm grateful and thankful for how far from who I used to be I am today and I am so proud of what it took to get here. 

I bear no ill feelings at all but knowledge does/ should bring about a modification of behaviour for the better and I am all better now. 

Let the fabulousity commence! 

I was 21 for about 28years, please don't ask me how long I will be 50 for. 

Please and thank you!